T H E
Engliド Monナeur

A
COMICAL NOVEL.
WHEREIN



In Four Parts.


Si mea Laudas
Omnia, stultitiam; si nihil Invidiam.


L O N D O N,
Printed for William Cademan at the
        Popes head in the New-Exchange
in the Strand 1679.




 
 
 
 
 
 

 
Excerpts
Epistle Dedicatory
The Curate's Tale
The History of Susetta
 
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Notes on the Text

The English Monsieur, A Comical Novel was planned in four parts but only the first is extant; it is unclear if the sequels ever saw print. The novel was long misattributed to James Howard by confusion with his play of the same name. 

Originals are kept at the Huntington Library, the Clark Library, and the Bodleian Library. The text is available on microfilm from UMI in Early English books 1012: 8. Indexed by Wing E3105B and ESTC R31537.

Page numbers are included in the running text in a white font visible when marked.
 

 ゥ 1999 Francis Steen, Department of English, University of California at Santa Barbara
CogWeb Citation and Copyright Information
 


 

 

To my Honored Friend
   E. H. Eヒ;

  Worthy Sir,
In an age, when books had better be burnt for Hereticks, than preブme to appear without the dull formality of an Epi・le; ブch a notable defe「 would preテnt them in as rediculous a Querpo, as a Courtier without the property of his Sword, though to both equally uテleピ; therefore,lea・ I ャould be taxed with too much ignorance or preブmption, to you who are our petty Heroes particular friend, and the depoナtary of his greate・ テcrets.  To you who have been an eye witneピ of バme of the mo・ remarkable inconveniences that his natural curioナty, re・leピ diパoナtion, Amours, Inclination, and fiery nature have plung'd him in: finally to you, that by conテquence can be・ diツerne what fruits are of his own growth, from what he may have borrowed from his neighbours Orchards, I dedicate theテ following ャeets.  I am テnナble that now I ャould proceed to the テtting forth of your praiテs, and humbly ブpplicate for your generous prote「ion, but really I am バ little accu・om'd to the flattering ・ile of a Dedication, that I know not what more to ヂy, therefore would gladly take the opportunity to end with the general concluナon of, Sir, your mo・ humble テrvant, B.
    But then, what would the Bookテller ヂy?  who yet does expe「 バ much ツribbling as mu・ fill up バme empty pages of the la・ ャeet?  why Faith to pleaテ all parties (if it be poアible) I will make bold to lay you aナde, and パeak a word or two to the Curteous R eader, and that I hope will do the jobb.
    In the fir・ place, I will let him know, that he will find here ブch varieties of humours, as, I hope, will pleaテ him, provided he adds not a number amoung・ the peripatetick Cinicks.  To ブch I mu・ confeピ theテ things would prove eyeバres, at lea・ if not a Scandalum Magnatum, but to the Gay, Airy, and witty バrt this may be uテful while they leave the knoty points of the more moroテ part of learning to be cleav'd in ブnder with the Beetles of the バwr Philoバphers under・anding.
    In the fir・ part you will meet with ブch accidents as wild young Travellers are apt to fall into, and if you pleaテ, you may make good uテ of them [...] But I adviテ you not to pin your Faith on all I ヂy, for it may not in every point prove to be Madam truth in its puris naturalibus.
    And why you ャould expe「 to find more reality in a Romantic ・ory then in the Alcymi・s religiouネy grave Vollumes, I know not, except, Ridendo dicere verum, come in your mind, and delude you into the fooles Paradice.  Well take your chance friend [...]
   Now Curteous R eader, but that I think you wiテr than my テlf, I would adviテ you to follow what is good in the whole, (If you can find any) and バ to take warning by others harms, as to go to bed in a whole ヌin, and the next morning ナng to the tune of バme new Ballad.

Felix quem faciunt, aliena pericula cautum.

Farewell.
 


 

[Noble, the "English Monsieur" of the title, is on his way to Paris but gets sidetracked at an inn, where he makes the acquaintance of two friars and a curate. Back to top.]

11

The Curate's Tale.

Certain Good man, who had lately married a young Woman, again・ a good time was telling his Wife, that he deナgn'd to go to Confeアion, and that he would have her do the like, ャe excus'd her テlf by informing her Huッand, that ャe having never yet been at Confeアion, did not know the manner of it, nor knew ャe to whom ャe ャould addreピ her テlf, ヘeetheart, ヂid the good man to his Wife, in the Mona・ery of the Carmelites, there is a certain Religious man of my acquaintance, to whom I will recommend you; for my ヂke he will in・ru「 you, and will ャrive you very well, バ giving his Wife the name of the Frier, he テnds her to the Convent. The good woman got thither inquires after the Frier, and ャe is ordered to wait for him in the Church; not long after comes unto her the arty, who inquires what ャe deナred; to which with a Curteナe, ャe made Anヘer, that her Huッand, ブch a one 12 had テnt her to him to confeアion, knowing tha he was a godly man, and ャe young and unexperienc'd in ブch matters. At this the Frier pricks up his ears, and within his heart thanks his good fate, for preテnting him with バ good a Fortune, with that he takes her to an obツure place of the Church, where he us'd to confeピ others, and there, he holding her by the hand, began his Interrogations, and through his diligent Care and good In・ru「ions, he made the Innocent Creature anヘer very dire「ly unto all his que・ions. The Frier by this time having found by the ナllineピ of her own Anヘers, that ャe was much Fairer than Wiテ, he reバlv'd to bear up cloテ to her, continuing his diツourテ in this manner. My dear Child, hitherto you have anヘer'd very pun「ually to all my que・ions, and accordingly I ャall abバlve you, but there is yet remaining one thing in which you mu・ be very ju・, or you will commit a very great Sacriledge. Therefore be ブre to give me a very exa「 account of what I am going to 13 aヌ of you. The poor ナlly Creature having made anヘer to a yea, Sir, and a ャort Curteナe, he drawing her ・ill more in the dark, バ that they could [not] be perceived! It is my kindneピ to you, ヂid he, which makes me lead you バ in the dark, that you may with more freedom anヘer to what I ャall aヌ you, and with that holding her by the hand with one hand, and under the Chin with the other, dear Child, continued he, how often has your Huッand lain with you? Be ブre you Anヘer me ju・ly, and hid nothing from me? At this the ナlly young thing, anヘer'd with a great ナgh, truly バ often within the compaピ of the half year they had been married, that it was impoアible for her to know the number. At this Anヘer, the Frier テeming much ブrpriz'd; how ヂid he, not know the number, how can the Church have the Tithe then? And how can you hope for an abバlution バ long as you withold the Church of its rights; I am very バrry, continued he, that you are in バ dangerous a condition, and for the Love I bear you, and by reaバn 14 of your want of knowledge in ブch matters, I would gladly find out バme way to redreピ this great error, thus went the Frier on ・ill aggravating each Circum・ance, which バ aキrighted the poor ナlly woman, that ャe fell trembling upon her knees at the Friers feet, and all in Tears and Sobs earne・ly begg'd, that he would contrive バme way to abバlve her from this バ hainous a ナn, テeing that ャe had committed it out of meer ignorance, and that her huッand was very much to blame, that he had not given her timely notice of it; and humbly intreated him to take the Tithes himテlf, as much as he thought fit, and rather more than leピ, that ャe might be abバlutely freed and abバlved from that grievous ナn. The good Frier did what he could to appeaテ her, and having テtled her mind a little by his comfortable ヂyings, he told her, that for the preテnt, he would be contented with バme ノall part of the Tithes, but that he would take a longer time to compute what as due in all, for as he 15 would not have the Church to loテ any advantage, neither would he for the World wrong her good Huッand of the worth of a pin, with that he takes her by the Arm and conveys her by a テcret paアage into his Chamber, where he took what part of the Tithe he pleas'd, which having done and kiアing the young woman, go, my Child, ヂid he, and be chearful, I ャall come バmetimes at your houテ, to take the re・ of the Tithes, but one thing more I mu・ inform you of before you go, know that is a mortal ナn for any one to reveal any the lea・ part of Confeアion, therefore you mu・ be ブre not to declare, by any means バever, either to your Huッand or any body elテ, what has paピ'd between you and me, for if you do, you will be damn'd for ever without redemption. To which the Penitent woman having anヘer'd, that ャe would be ブre to keep ナlence, and deナring him once more to take a larger quantity of the remaining Tithes, lea・ any evil ャould happen to her or her Huッand, by detaining them any longer, he, to 16 gratifie her, and put her out of all fears, did make a further dedu「ion of the arrears, and バ diノiピ'd her the ヂme way ャe had come in, with his bleアing, テnding her home to the good man her Huッand, with an aアurance that he would come to her houテ and take the re・ of the Tithes, when ever ャe would give him notice of her Huッands abテnce. The Curate had proceeded バ far, when one of the Friers with a great deal of impatiency did thus Interrupt his diツourテ.

I have had much patience to hear you パeak all this while, though all that you have ヂid is very true, and that the Story goes on a great way further, but that which makes me thus impatient at preテnt is, that you ャould have the confidence to put upon any religious Order, that of which you your テlf are guilty, you being the very perバn that did this horrid a「, for which you were deテrvedly puniャed by the Huッand and afterwards turn'd out of that Benefice, which you had then in a Church 17 in the City of Lyons, where this filthy Sacriledge of yours was committed, I happened at that time to be there, and I remember you very well: How you came to be entertain'd Vicar in this place, I wonder at, but I aアure you, that I will make a ・ri「 inquiry after it, and have you puniャed as you deテrve, being バ great a ツandal to the whole Church.

The good Frier would have gone on, and perhaps his Zeal to Religion, and his abomination of ブch Crimes would have occaナon'd a learned declamation again・ ブch Sacrilegious perバns, but that the Ho・ willing to befriend the Curate (who was one of his con・ant gue・s) interrupted the good Frier, deナring him to forbear at preテnt any further diツourテ on that ブbje「.

The Curate at this was not mute, but in a Chaキing manner told the Company, that he would maintain all that he had ヂid was of a Carmelite Frier, that he knew him very well, that he would immediately go fetch バme Writings in which they all ャould 18 テe the Name and Sirname of the perバns concerned, and where and at what time this was done; バ in a great fury he went down Stairs. Mean time, the good Frier having intreated Le Noble to give him but one quarter of an hours attention, that he might justifie his Order, and set the saddle on the right Horse, he thus continu'd the Story.

The continuance of the Curates Story.

Ou have already heard the notorious Villanies of this wicked Curate from his own mouth, though he would gladly lay it upon バme other, the crime appearing バ hainous to himテlf; that he is aャamed to own it, I will begin where he left oキ, and that he is the very perバn, I ャall prove to morrow by undeniable evidence.

This abominable man, being impatient to purブe what he had バ wickedly began, ・aid not long till he went to viナt this abuテd young Woman, and his viナts grew バ frequent 19 that at la・, the good Huッand having バme kind of ブパition of the buナneピ, did one day wait for this bea・ly man, and バon did intrap him ploughing with his heifer. The Prie・ (for バ he was then) finding himテlf diツovered withdrew to his home as ブddenly and テcretly as he could poアible. And the poor abuテd Huッand having found by the Silly Anヘers, which his ナmple Innocent Wife made to his que・ions about the buナneピ, that ャe had been, through her great ナmplicity, mo・ abominably abuテd by this wicked fellows ブbtle and devilliャ pra「ices; he was not angry with her, but having in・ru「ed and admoniャed her, he left her very バrrowful and penナve, and immediately went to complain to the Biャop, of the abuテ done unto him in the perバn of his Wife. The Biャop, with much patience heard out the poor man's Complaint, and テeming very angry, gave order that the Prie・ ャould immediately be テnt for, which was accordingly done, バ バon as he was in 20 the Biャops preテnce; he aヌed him in a very angry and furious manner, what tempted him to do バ wicked a thing, and after many threats and chidings, not giving him once leave to anヘer, he told him, that he would テverely puniャ him for it, after theテ and many more big パeeches having fir・ diノiピ'd all that were in the Room, but the Plantiキ and the Delinquent, he ・ri「ly did forbid him ever for any more テtting his foot into the injur'd man's houテ, nor ever to dare to パeak to his Wife, or バ much as look upon her, and for a further puniャment, he charg'd him upon pain of Excommunication, not to enter into any Church during three whole dayes, and バ diノiピ'd them both. The Prie・ went home much diツontented that he ャould no longer have バ eaナe an acceピ, as he had formerly to the good man's Wife, but what troubled him wor・ of all was the fears, that the Huッand had diヂbus'd his poor innocent Wife, and better inform'd her for the future, バ that ャe ャould be put to new pra「ices, 21 before he could reclaim her again. As concerning his excluナon from Church, it fitted バ well his humour and inclinations, that he was the better pleas'd with it, becauテ it gave him more leaブre to retire and contrive new ways to once more Inハare that poor innocent バul.

The Huッand on the other hand being not at all contented, with ブch a バrt of ヂtiデa「ion as he had received from the Biャop, reバlves to make his complaint to the Governour of the City, with that he immediately goes to his appartment, and acquaints him with the whole Story, and mo・ earne・ly begg'd upon his knees, that he would do him ブch Ju・ice, as were ブitable to the oキence he had received, ナnce that he could not have it from the Biャop, who of Right was to have done it. The governour, who was a perバn of as great integrity and goodneピ, as he was pun「ual and テvere in his Government, told the poor fellow, that it was out of his power to do him Ju・ice; but continued he, yet I would 22 not have ブch notorious villanies paピ unpuniャed, therefore hone・ friend ナnce thou can・ not get any other redreピ from the Biャop then what thou ha・ mention'd unto me, which is バ inナgnificant, and I knowing by very good informations, that both the Biャop and Prie・ are perバns of lewd Lives and Converヂtion, I do adviテ thee that the next time thou find'・ the Prie・ to attempt any thing upon thy Wife, thou gets バme friends to aアi・ thee, and having intrap'd him, Cudgle him to バme purpoテ, but take care of [not] killing him, or breaking any of his Limbs, and when thou ha・ done come to me, and declare before thoテ perバns, that I ャall have there on purpoテ, the whole buナneピ both of the wrong done thee, the Biャops テntence again・ the oキender, and thy revenge upon him, and let me alone with the re・, I ャall take care that no hurt ャall come to thee thereby. The good man, having thank'd the Governour, goes his way home again with a firm reバlution to have his full Revenge, and to that purpoテ 23 watches the Prie・ narrowly, and admoniャes his Wife to do the like, which ャe gladly undertook, being highly incenテd again・ him, now that her Huッand had undeceived her. They both were not long before they had an opportunity preテnted them, for the Laツivous Prie・ thinking the time long till he were at his bea・ly Embraces again, though the three dayes pennance were not yet fully expired, writ a paアionate kind letter to the young Woman, and had it privately convey'd to her by an Old woman, that us'd to be employ'd by him in ブch Embaアies, who found an opportunity to deliver it privately into the young Womans hands, who going into バme other place, as if to Read it in private, ャe gave it to her Huッand, who having opened it found writ in it as follows. 24
 

I Make no que・ion, but that thy Huッand through an exceピ of jealouナe, and contempt of the Holy Church, has put ・range things into thy head, as if what we have done together were not Ju・ and Lawfuサ, not conナdering that whatバever ォ done with a right intention, (though it might テem バmewhat unuブal, and appear not ery weサ unto Vulgar Eyes) could [not] have a ナni・er end. No my dear Child, we cannot Err in what ever we do, バ long as we dire「 our intentions aright, and can they be better deナgned than when we aim at nothing but the good benefit and honour of the Church, in paying and receiving its dues? I long to inform thee throughly in thォ point which I 25 cannot do by writing; therefore let me deナre thee, for thy own バuls ヂke, to defer no longer the payment of the reナdue of thoテ Tithes, which thy wicked Huッand would defraud the Church of, give me notice then as バon as may be of an opportunity to come to thee, and then I ャaサ fuサy inform thee of the Ju・ice of the matter in hand, バ that thou ャalt be whoサy convinced of the neceアity of continuing our private meetings.

This letter being read, the Huッand, after a little pauテ, bid the Wife tell the Meアenger that had brought it, that the Prie・ ャould not fail to come to her in the Orchard at midnight, were ャe long'd to テe him and do ju・ice to the Church, that ャe would leave the back door open, and that there they might be very テcure from her Huッands Jealouナe, with this anヘer away goes the Meアenger back, who made the Prie・ overjoy'd with this mo・ favorable Anヘer, applauding his own wit and 26 ブbtlety, and longed mo・ impatiently for the happy hour. In the mean time the Huッand gets in readineピ two of his neighbours with lu・y Cudgels to entertain the Gallant with all, according to his deテrts, at the appointed place.

The hour came: into the Orchard came the Prie・ likewiテ; where in liew of the good woman's kind reception, he met with one バmewhat more crabbed at the hands of the Huッand and his aアi・ants. In ャort, they all thre did バ well handle their weapons, that in a ャort time they left the poor lover not able to ・ir a limb, which invited them to be バ civil as to carry him between them at a little di・ance from the orchard, where near a high way they left him.

In the morning, when people began to ・ir abroad, the half dead ナnner was found in this condition by バme going that way, preテntly it was reported to the Biャop, and the noiテ of it パread all over the City. The Prie・ is taken up, laid on a Hearテ covered, and in great バlemnity, and 27 demon・ration of バrrow carried about all the quarters of the City, with a proceアion of Prie・s following after, and the hard uヂge of him told to every one that inquired into the matters, though not one word mention'd of the cauテ thereof, all this being done by the Biャops order; you mu・ know, to ・rike バrrow and compaアion, and that the テvere puniャment, which he intended to infli「 upon the delinquent, ャould be the leピ wondered at. The Governour hearing, that there was ブch a proceアion on foot, and not knowing the occaナon, made バme of his Servants inquire the reaバn of it, the buナneピ being reported to him, he takes cognizance of the matter, テnds for the Criminal, and will have a buナneピ that caus'd バ much di・urbance in the City, to be diツuアed before him, and thoテ Magi・rates, as us'd to ナt on criminal cauテs, to aアi・ him in a matter of バ ・range a nature; the Criminal is brought before the bench, he confeアes the fa「, and withal the reaバns that did move him to do it; the accuテrs 28come to aggravate the Crime, the Biャop himテlf appears in the behalf of the Church, repreテnts the aキront done to the Clergy, and the evil conテquences of it. The Governour upon that, aヌs of the Criminal why he had not complained to the Biャop, if he had had any wrong done him by any of the Clergy, who doubtleピ would have done him Ju・ice, and not oキer to carve to himテlf as he pleas'd out of Ju・ices ・ore! To which, the poor man anヘers, that he had made his complaints to the Biャop, but had received バ little ヂtiデa「ion the fir・ time, and the puniャment was バ inナgnificant to the Delinquent, that it had not deterr'd him from committing the ヂme fault over again, very ブddenly after, バ that he was reバlved to do himテlf Ju・ice. The Governour inquires into the manner and nature of the puniャment, to know whether it was proportion'd to the Crime, and being Certified, that what the Malefa「or had told him of the Biャops テntence upon the Prie・ was true, he ・ood up, 29 and pronounced this テntence with a loud voice; For as much as the Criminal, that ・ands at the Bar before us, has confeアed the Crime he is accuテd of, and that it is ブキiciently proved by the injured perバns own mouth, and the markes that remain yet upon the Body of the ill treated, which he has lately received from the ヂid perバn; I hear declare and pronounce, that the ヂid Criminal, ャall be ブパended, and is hereby ブパended, from going into any Tavern during three whole dayes; and that in caテ the ヂid Delinquent does oキer to テt his foot into any Tavern, whatバever and whereバever, during the ヂid time, after the giving of this テntence, that then he ャall be proceeded again・, as ャall be judged fit.

This Ironical, but ju・ テntence; having produc'd much joy on the one ナde, and more パight and vexation on the other. The Biャop in the name of the Clergy, ・ood up, and ヂid, that he would appeal of this aキront done to the Church in his Perバn, to a Supreme Power, バ 30 went his way, with the re・ of the Crew.

He was after that as good as his word, and the Governour, (who did ・ick cloテ to him and the Delinquent Prie・) having exhibited thoテ evidences, which he had gathered again・ them both, and the witneアes being heard, the Biャop was quietly laid aナde, and the Prie・ degraded and turn'd out of his Benefice, all as privately as might be, that the leピ ツandal ャould ariテ to the Church, by the wicked a「ions of ブch dangerous men. Now, Sir, I have made an end of my Relation, which I will avouch to be true to a tittle.
 

[At the same inn Noble also meets Susetta, who later tell him the story of a trick she and some friends played upon her first suitor. Back to top.]
87

The Hiフory of  S U S E T T A.

Was born バme eighteen years ナnce in the City of Roan in Normandy, my Father was a Prie・, who having a pritty young woman to his houテ テrvant, he took a fancy to her, and バ between them I was got, my Mother バme time after I came into the World, took the pains to go out of it, and the good man, my Father, what with バrrow for the loピ of his dear Suヂnna (バ was my Mother call'd) and partly to take away all occaナons of talk, which had been but too loud among・ the neighbourhood concerning them two he took to him a good old woman, who has ever ナnce テrv'd to look to his houテ, and dreピ his Meat; I was baptiテd Suテtta, in remembrance of my Mother, and preテntly after テnt to Cane, to be Nurs'd up by a Si・er of my Fathers, who took a パecial care of me, according to the orders ャe had receiv'd from the good Prie・, 88 he had a ナngular love for me, I being the only Child that he ever had, though バme are of another opinion, who ヂy, that the good Prie・, not being able to give my Mother as much as ャe expe「ed, ャe call'd a Gentleman to the aアi・ance, who took the pains to make me: But let that paピ, the good Prie・ being pleas'd to own me for his Daughter, in gratitude I mu・ acknowledge him for my Father. I was not quite テven years old, when being impatient to live any longer without the continual ナght of me, テnt for me home, he did expreピ all the kindneピ imaginable to me, and when I was grown up to it, テt me to learn all the pritty things and Exerciテs that young Maids uテ, and ever after, paアing all over Roan for his Si・ers Daughter, I call'd him my uncle and he me his Neece. Before I was quite fifteen, I had appear'd agreeable in the Eyes of divers perバns, whom would fain have been nibbling. But the good man, who ever carried a watchful eye over me, would put them all by; バme 89 he thought too wild, others too rich, バme again too poor, and others too バber; yet gueアing by himテlf, and my Mothers con・itutions of what temper I might be, and remembring that Cat will to kind, he endeavour'd to find out a fit match to rid his hands of me, バ バon as he could, knowing that a maid at fifteen is the mo・ diキicult thing in the World to be kept, reバlving if he once met with a man to his mind, to be・ow me upon him, with that he had gathered, during his forty years テrvice in the Church. Among・ the re・ of my Suiters, for I had many and of all バrts, there was one that the good man did approve of; he was an ill bred Chip of an rough hewen block: And doubtleピ, dire「ly deツended from the ancient family of the Clowns, and nearly allied to that of the La Fooles: But he was very rich, and a thriving man, and conテquently e・eem'd a very fit match for me, by my good Unkle, who did not conナder that it was very reaバnable if he would cut that I ャould chooテ, however I was of 90 that mind, and I behav'd my テlf accordingly 91

My Clown, who was of a baャful nature, would frequently ナt half a day by me, and not パeak a word; and for fear I ャould divert him from that agreeable ナlence, neither would I ヂy any thing to him, nor バ much as look towards him, though his eyes were continually fixed upon me.

On a day, after he had ヂte バme four hours before me, at a pritty di・ance, as la・ his Hat dropt at his feet, he being fa・ aネeep; I テeing that, went ha・ily out of the Room, and locked the door after me, for I was not バ hard hearted as to awaken him from バ ヘeet a ネeep, as バme more unkind would have done. But on the contrary, making the lea・ noiテ I could, I retired, and there I left him enjoying his agreeable dreams, and went my wayes with the Key of the Room, to paピ the Evening with a young 92 ャe companion of mine, our very next neighbour: We were ナtting very attentively at our works, when there came in a couple more of young Maidens with an intention to be merry, while every one was aヌing; what we ャould do, and how we ャould paピ away our time: It came into my head that my ネeeping Gallant, who I had left without fire or Candle, might be a fit ブbje「 for our nights recreation, with that I ca・ about within me, how I ャould contrive it, and having thought on バmething, I propos'd to the re・, that if they would joyn with me in a deナgn I had, it would aキord them ブキiciently of Mirth, for to paピ that Evening away, at the co・ of one of my Lovers, who I had lockt up in a Chamber, where he was fallen aネeep.

Thoテ three mad Wenches that lov'd roguery as well as I did, that is with all their hearts, did preテntly embrace the propoナtion, and every one lent their invention to the compoナng of this frolick. By go 93 fortune, the good Prie・ my Unkle, being gone Supper to a friends houテ, we had more liberty and conveniency to a「 our Sport, therefore we preテntly went all to our houテ, taking along with us an overgrown Baboon, that was very tame and gentle, and a Cat alバ; we got all into a Parlour joyning the Room my Lover was in, whence we could hear him ハore as if for a wager, having got all things that was thought neceアary to carry our deナgn in a readineピ, we begun to prepare. Two of my Companions were dreアing the Baboon all in white fixing a Candle in his head, while my other Comrade and my テlf, were fa・ening of Walnut ャells, on the Cats Claws with Pitch, rubbing her backナde with Ginger, and テtting a paper Ruキ about her neck. This done, I went to open the door, while the others brought with them the Baboon and the Cat, they were preテntly let looテ in the ネeepers Room, after we had placed a piece of ノall テaring Candle in one of the Corners of the Chimney, which gave but a very 94 ノall light, the door being ャut again, we ・ood at the Window without, as much conceal'd as we could in expe「ation of the event, we had no バoner po・ed our テlves, but we heard a mo・ fearful ratling, which the Baboon made running after the Cat, our-Chears, Tables, Cupboards, and all things in the Room, dragging his long Chain after him, with a mo・ hideous noiテ, and the Cat did make ブch ネidings upon the boards, when ャe would endeavour to ャun the Baboon, as were very pleaヂnt, and バmetimes leaping again・ the hangings to get out of the enemies reach, it would make ブch an odd kind of noiテ, when it fell down again upon the Nut ャells, that it preテntly awakened my poor ネumbering Lover. But had you テen him, when yet between ネeep and wake, he did but half diツern, through the dim light in the Chimney (for that upon the Baboons head was extinguiャt) what a fear テiz'd him, you would have laugh't your fill, he ・air'd, his Hairs ・ood an end, his Face as pale as aャes, and all his 95 Limbs as ・iキ, as if he had been frozen to death. But at la・, the Cat being hard put to it, and forc'd for its ヂfety to leap into the Lovers lap, the Baboon got immediately after it upon his ャoulders, ・ill as he run round after the Cat, winding his Chain about this poor Lovers neck, and then on a ブdden giving it a twich as he was jumping down after the Cat, that had chang'd her quarters, he pull'd the Lover down after him, all along upon the ground tugging with all his ・rength to get looテ, and our Lover holding the Chain, with both his Hands to prevent ・rangling, who at la・ cryed out good ヘeet Ma・er Devil, forgive me this time and let me looテ again, and if ever I oキer to think or dream of woman again, you ャall do with me what you pleaテ, while he was with theテ and ブch like humble ブpplications, begging of the Devil for Life, the Baboon by force and violent ・rugling, having broke his Chain retir'd to the Corner of the Chimney near the Candle, and our 96 Lover thinking that the Devil had done this at his reque・, took the boldneピ to ナt up, and then turning upon his knees, ・ill having the Chain about his neck, he returned his Devilャip his mo・ humble thanks, for kind deナ・ing from tormenting him, promiナng him faithfully that if he ever he got on earth again, he would never think more of Mi・reピ Suテtta, for whom he did believe all this evil had befallen him, which was the more excuヂble in him added he, by reaバn that it was not of his own テeking, but of her unkles, who would not let him be quiet, but ・ill put him on to make Love to his Neece, thus was he going on with his excuテs to his ブppos'd Devil, when the Baboon having perceiv'd the Cat behind our Lover, made towards him with a great deal of eagerneピ; the Cat who had found that place its be・ refuge, being loth to quit that po・, バ advantagious to him, did dodge round our Lover, and his Adverヂry after him, which テt our Lover in ブch a 97 fright, that he run up and down the Room over all he met in his way, and crying out, murther, Devils, help, as loud as he could roar, tumbling in the dark over Chairs and Stools, till at la・ being quite パent, he fell down on a ブdden, crying out that he was dead.

That word, and we テeing him lie without motion, did テt us all in バme apprehenナon that the fool might die with fear: Therefore I went and open'd the door where he lay, and preテntly we ・ole all away, to give him leave to do likewiテ. The door of the Chamber had not been long open, when the Cat run out of it into the Yard, from whence ャe crept into a ノall hole, where the Baboon, who had followed her cloテ, at the Heels, was forc'd to leave oキ his Chaテ, the noiテ that thoテ two Creatures had made in the Yard, having been heard by the old woman (who had not heard any thing of that, which had been made in the Chamber, becauテ it was at a further di・ance, and the door and Windows ャut) made ha・e down ・airs, to テe what 98 was the matter, at which we all ran out of the houテ into that from whence we came, and the Baboon after us: As we paピ'd by the Window, we hear'd our poor Lover groan, and ヂy, I wonder whether I am dead or no, this テt us out of fears, バ that we went, and ヂte us down upon a bench, that was before our neighbours door, laughing mo・ heartily at the trick we had put upon my Lover, which, I hope, would deter him from e're coming more near our door.

We had but ju・ undreピ'd the Baboon and let him in, when my Unkle came by from his Company, with whom he had ブpp'd and drank'd バ plentifully, that he paピ'd by and did not know me. But went into his houテ and pull'd the door after him, being come into the yard he over heard this Dialogue, which paピ'd between the Lover and the Old Woman, which I alバ heard hearkening at the Window of the ・reet.

The Old woman, who had been テarching about to know what was the cauテ of that noiテ, was come at la・ to 99 the Chamber door, where our Lover lay on the floor, in the dark, among・ a company of tumbled Chairs, Stools, Cuャions, and Carpets: She having heard him fetch a deep ナgh, Jeブ Maria, whoテ there, ヂid ャe; our Lover hearing a humane voyce, with ブch a pious van-guard to its interrogation; he pluck'd up a little heart, and thus made anヘer, Pater No・er, it is I, and who in the name of all the ャe Saints in Heaven are you, continued the woman; in the Name of all the he Saints on Earth; I am Matthew Clod, that have been tormented in Hell all this Night, by two furious Devils, which have but very lately left me, in a mo・ ヂd pickle, for Heavens ヂke continued he, ヂy all the Kyry's, you know, and all the Aves for my バul, for though I think this place is too cold to be Hell, yet I believe I am in purgatory: in Purgatory, reply'd the Old woman, Heavens forbid that my Ma・ers houテ were a Purgatory, why do you not テe that you are in the very Room, in which you uテ to make Love to one Suテtta. Oh パeak not a 100 word more of that I beテech you, reply'd my Lover, lea・ that the Devils return and torment me again. Why ブre, you are mad ヂid the woman, バ coming nearer him with the Candle, the tippled Prie・, mean time, ・ole up to his Chamber with an intention to clear his houテ from thoテ evil パirits. The old woman having テen what a confuナon was in the room, and beheld poor Matthews face all bloody. I think the Devils have been here indeed, ヂid ャe, Lord what a ・ink they have left behind them. But in the name of wonder, how came you here, at this time o'th' night? Why truly reply'd Matthew, all that I know of it is, that I being fa・ aネeep in bed at home, the Devils have drag'd me hither with this Chain about my neck, and having brought me into this dark room, where I uテ to gaze on Suテtta, theテ cruel Devils, or Spirits, I know not which, but one of the two I am ブre of, have テt me in this pickle, and all the things thus confuテdly ツattered about the room. But now you talk of our Suテtta where is ャe, ヂid the 101 old woman; pray Heaven ャe be ヂfe, at this the Cat with the Wallnut ャels having been di・urb'd from its re・ by the Prie・, who took it for a Devil by the noiテ it made, and the ruキ about its neck, came for refuge into that room again, at which poor Matthew, more aキrighted than ever, cry'd out as loud as ever he could, the Devil is come again, the old woman hearing and テeing the Cat in that dreピ, in her fright took it for no leピ then an Imp, which made her run ha・ily out of the Chamber, ju・ as her Ma・er was running into in, in purブit of the Cat, they run バ furiouネy again・ one another, that they both threw themテlves backwards upon the floor; the poor woman with her fright and her fall, was in a バund, and the poor Prie・ very much indamag'd, but he being pot valliant, and by good fortune his hollowed Candle, which he had in his hand having kept lighted, beナdes all his holy attire, the holy water, the Croピ, and the book of Exorciノ, which he had about him, in which things he put great 102 confidence; all theテ things; I ヂy, did highly inテnce him again・ thoテ vils Spirits that did haunt his houテ, he ha・ily aroテ to proceed forward, the Prie・ being got into the Room, and having beheld all this confuナon, he began his Exorciノ. The old woman lying all this while on her back, with her Cloaths half up, the Candle in her hand, Matthew taking the Prie・ for an Illuナon crying out, Murther, the Devils, more Spirits come to torment me, not once daring to move from within the middle of the Chair frame, where he was got, I having had my fill of laughing, I went to the door which I found but latcht, having got in, and advanced バ far as the door of the Chamber, I receiv'd a good flap on the Chaps, which my Unkle gave me with his Holy water パrinkling he aアuredly taking me for another Spirit than I was, at this Matthew fell a roaring worテ than ever, crying out? Oh, and is the chief Devil come hither alバ, now there's no hopes left, I am dead, I am dead, and バ lay groning: by this time the Prie・ was 103 mumbling of his Charmes, and now and then throwing of hollowed water at me, I adventured to aヌ him what was the matter, making my テlf the greate・ ・ranger to all this that could be, he continued his muttering without anヘerings, I had a good mind once to have pull'd him by the Arm, but then again I dur・ not, when I remembred the blow he had given me, lea・ I ャould bring バme further miツhiefe upon my テlf; I perceiving that I could do no good there; I came to the old woman again, I took her up, and aアured her, that I was no Apparition but the mo・ real Suテtta, at la・ I perヘaded her to go up with me in my Chamber, where after I had told her, that all this confuナon had happened through a trick, that I and バme of my Companions had put on Matthew, ャe having put me to bed, went down ・aires again, to undeceive the re・.

She found them in the ヂme po・ure that we had left them in, バ バon as ャe came near my Unkle he beパrinkled her with holy water, of which he was very laviャ, at which ャe ヂid to 104 him come, come, tis time to leave oキ your Conjurings, and you (turning towards Matthew) your folly, you may even thank that unlucky patch Suテtta for all this, ャe it was, that brought in all thoテ Devils which have バ aキrighted you both, to which the Prie・ with a deal of wrath and indignation, made this reply avoyd thou Satanneピ, that woulds delude me, and this poor miテrable poアeアed wretch, pointing at Matthew, I know thou art a deluding Devil, and I will テnd thee from me, with that he flung all the holy water he had left, in the old womans face, which ャe took バ ill from him, that ヂying the Devil take you both, ャe went her wayes and came not near them all that night.

What the Prie・, and his di・reアed lover did after, that I could never learn, but the next morning, the old woman and I riナng early, we went down to テe what was become of them, we found them both fa・ aネeep, my Unkle in a Chair, and Matthew in the ヂme po・ure we had left him, we 105 awakened the good man, who was almo・ ・arv'd with cold, he at fir・ wondred where he was, and told us that he had had a very ・range dream, which he would tell us at バme other time, but now he was バ cold and ネeepy that he would go to bed, he Chid us both for letting him fall a ネeep in a Chair in バ cold a place, and バ away he went: but fir・ you mu・ know that while he ネept we had dive・ed him of all his Church Ornaments, and had laid them out of the way, and テt all things elテ in their right places, except Matthew, who was in a Corner of the Room, wedged in the frame of the Chair that he could not be got out.

While I was getting the good man to bed, I told him, that when he ャould wake again, I would give him an account of that dream he パoke of, at which having anヘer'd, that I was a fooliャ Girl, turn'd himテlf to ネeep. During the time I had employed my テlf in laying the good Prie・ to bed: The Old woman had awakened Matthew, and with much ado got him out of 106 the frame of the Chair, and having delivered him of the Chain that was about his neck, ャe was comforting him, and endeavouring, as well as ャe could, to perヘade him of the truth of the buナneピ, but he ・ill perナ・ed in the belief, that all he had テen was real, while they two were thus arguing the caテ, バme body knockt at the fore door, I went to テe who it was, and I found it to be one of Matthews Fathers Plowmen, that was come to inquire after Matthew, who he ヂid had not come home all night, I made him no other anヘer then that he ャould go into the yard, and turn into the Room on his right hand, which he die; I dur・ not appear, for fear of テtting the fool into バme new fit, which would have made us been the longer troubled with him, and I car'd not how バon we were quit of him, Matthew was very glad to テe Clunch バ near him, who told him that his Father had テnt him to テek after him, who was much troubled at his abテnce, and that he was very glad to have found him in バ good a place; 107 I think you have all ploted to make me mad, ヂid Matthew, why, was not I at home, and in my own bed la・ night? No truly, reply'd Clunch, there was no body in all our houテ that did テe you la・ night there, and no doubt but you would hardly a gone to bed without your Supper, beナdes I ャut all the doors at ten of the clock, and I am ブre that then you were not come home; well, reply'd Matthew, ヂy what you will, and do what you will, but I know what I know, and feel what I feel, and think what I think, and I ャall tell, my Father another ・ory when I get home, and バ I'le be gone, then ャaking his head, and leaning upon Clunch his ャoulder, and dragging his legs after him, good boy, continued he, I am going, but if ever you catch me here again, let all the Devils that tormented me la・ night, torment me ten thouヂnd times more, I that hearkened to him all that while, got out of the way, that I might not be a new ob・acle to his going, バ away went he, and his man Clunch together, and 108 from that time I never did テe him more.

When my Father was awake again, the old woman and I were very buナe in perヘading him, that all which he had been and done were real, but he would have it all a dream, and テeing, that do what we could, we could not perヘade him to the contrary, and that he began to be angry, thinking we play'd too long upon him; we left him in his own opinion, and バ there was no more of that buナneピ talk'd of at that time.

How my Father and my poor Lover did make up the buナneピ between them, the next time they ヂw one another, I know not, but thus much I can tell you, that by this roguery of mine, I was for a long time freed from all manner of importunities on that Fools account.

 

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Entered 27 June, 1999
CogWeb at http://cogweb.ucla.edu/Restoration/English_Monsieur.html
Francis Steen
UC Santa Barbara
 
 
 

 

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